I’ve fallen back into the notion of not caring about the way I live. I don’t care how I’m perceived, I don’t care how I make you feel, I don’t care how you make me feel, I don’t care about how your day went or how your family is, I don’t care about the new job you got, or the family member you just lost. “This is an awful person” you think to yourself reading that… as do I. The sad part is it’s my reality. I don’t want to be this person and this person is not who I was born to be, but how long can you deny mental illness. How long can you ignore the fact everything you’re doing right now isn’t planned because you weren’t supposed to be alive still. How do you explain to people well when I was in elementary school I never thought I’d live to see middle, then lived middle school believing I’d never see highschool, then I lived highschool thinking… “I haven’t committed yet why would I” doesn’t matter how many times I think about that truth I am right back where I was. It does not matter I haven’t started college yet because I’m never going to. Don’t have any friends? Not a problem you won’t be around long enough to be there for them, relationship troubles… not a problem I can make them happy until I’m gone. I don’t want to think like this… no one does, but here I sit going round and round trying to stir up some sort of anxiety or excitement about my future because that’s what I should be feeling right? I’m not though. I know the world, I was introduced to her at a young age. There are more things I haven’t seen than the things I have, but that thought does not trigger excitement. No it triggers a cycle of acceptance that I never will… not that I couldn’t just that I won’t. I am good at many things, loved by many people, I am a stable human being as far as anything anyone else will ever see goes. So… when I inevitably go I understand if you call me lazy, ungrateful, annoying, selfish, crazy, a bitch, a whore, a disgrace, all things I hear you all say now. I also understand if you say you miss me, or I shouldn’t have gone, I could’ve done so much, god made her for great things, I have heard all of this too. But you want to know a secret… as long as I can remember and I mean that literally, I have never not once believed a single word of any of it. Confusing isn’t it? I don’t believe any of it because I can’t see any of it. The reality is this all goes so deep I don’t even look at myself as a person, I am everything and nothing all at once and I don’t expect you to understand it because I don’t. So when you read this you will want to state how what I’m saying isn’t true, negative, not the whole picture or truth, and a moment of weakness.. but I need you to hear these next words. The sentiment is appreciated and the intention is understood (this might be hard to hear) but you are wrong. That is MY whole truth no matter the emotions or ideas and beliefs it may conflict for you. So the attempt to be told differently is nothing but the most firm and clear slap across the face. Because if you try to tell me these things you did not hear anything I just told you, or it didn’t fit your beliefs, or makes you uncomfortable, but once again I don’t care… and I mean that not as an insulting statement but once again sadly my truth. So in conclusion… no, whatever you were going to say, no I don’t care, it won’t help or change anything, and no I’m not going hurt myself. That’s not the point of this writing and if you thought it was count yourself as part of the many who could not hear what I was saying. I hope to never meet another soul who holds my truth as their own but if I do that will be the day I no longer feel alone.
A step Inside Alexandra's Mind
Stories, thoughts, and more