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There are many faces and many realities to every person, myself included. Yet there seems to always be fear. To be strong in fear, to be graceful, courageous, intelligent, and fully yourself within your fears is an ideal many strive to achieve. But what about the little fears. What about something as simple as a spider or a wave from someone unknown. Fear is everywhere and far too often associated with only the negative… then there is the fear of good things. The fear of love, trust, and accomplishments. In this we can all find common ground, yet it is this ground that none of us dare walk with one another. Fear is weakness in the eyes of many and strength in the eyes of very few, but through all it is made private. Fear itself encompasses a variety of feelings that are all vulnerable. I think there is beauty in that… an immense beauty. Fear is proof of a life lived with empathy, love, intelligence, understanding, and the oh so precious sense of self. Without those things one is not a being of life, but one of nothing. Fear as unpleasant as it is speaks to the most basic of human nature all the way to the depths of one’s soul, and that is a beautiful phenomenon I’ve come to appreciate. Within fear we find new strengths, experiences, and value of both good and bad. Without fear there is nothing but dark, predictable, emptiness. Therefore a precious light is born in the darkness of fear that I will always strive to protect. When we learn to walk with each other in fear without judgement that’s where deep connections thrive. When we can be wholly unsure but confident in the unknown… that’s when things makes sense. Lean into your fear and trust the ones who see it and do not mock or balk from it, but embrace it as the part of you that it is. With fear there is a light in the dark, a way to overcome and endure. Without fear there is only the easy embrace of numbness that holds no growth and hope. Take the harder path and live through your fears even when the numbness of no fear offers you its warm embrace. Let fear hold its place without overpowering or convincing you that you’re better off without it. It’s worth it.

I’ve fallen back into the notion of not caring about the way I live. I don’t care how I’m perceived, I don’t care how I make you feel, I don’t care how you make me feel, I don’t care about how your day went or how your family is, I don’t care about the new job you got, or the family member you just lost. “This is an awful person” you think to yourself reading that… as do I. The sad part is it’s my reality. I don’t want to be this person and this person is not who I was born to be, but how long can you deny mental illness. How long can you ignore the fact everything you’re doing right now isn’t planned because you weren’t supposed to be alive still. How do you explain to people well when I was in elementary school I never thought I’d live to see middle, then lived middle school believing I’d never see highschool, then I lived highschool thinking… “I haven’t committed yet why would I” doesn’t matter how many times I think about that truth I am right back where I was. It does not matter I haven’t started college yet because I’m never going to. Don’t have any friends? Not a problem you won’t be around long enough to be there for them, relationship troubles… not a problem I can make them happy until I’m gone. I don’t want to think like this… no one does, but here I sit going round and round trying to stir up some sort of anxiety or excitement about my future because that’s what I should be feeling right? I’m not though. I know the world, I was introduced to her at a young age. There are more things I haven’t seen than the things I have, but that thought does not trigger excitement. No it triggers a cycle of acceptance that I never will… not that I couldn’t just that I won’t. I am good at many things, loved by many people, I am a stable human being as far as anything anyone else will ever see goes. So… when I inevitably go I understand if you call me lazy, ungrateful, annoying, selfish, crazy, a bitch, a whore, a disgrace, all things I hear you all say now. I also understand if you say you miss me, or I shouldn’t have gone, I could’ve done so much, god made her for great things, I have heard all of this too. But you want to know a secret… as long as I can remember and I mean that literally, I have never not once believed a single word of any of it. Confusing isn’t it? I don’t believe any of it because I can’t see any of it. The reality is this all goes so deep I don’t even look at myself as a person, I am everything and nothing all at once and I don’t expect you to understand it because I don’t. So when you read this you will want to state how what I’m saying isn’t true, negative, not the whole picture or truth, and a moment of weakness.. but I need you to hear these next words. The sentiment is appreciated and the intention is understood (this might be hard to hear) but you are wrong. That is MY whole truth no matter the emotions or ideas and beliefs it may conflict for you. So the attempt to be told differently is nothing but the most firm and clear slap across the face. Because if you try to tell me these things you did not hear anything I just told you, or it didn’t fit your beliefs, or makes you uncomfortable, but once again I don’t care… and I mean that not as an insulting statement but once again sadly my truth. So in conclusion… no, whatever you were going to say, no I don’t care, it won’t help or change anything, and no I’m not going hurt myself. That’s not the point of this writing and if you thought it was count yourself as part of the many who could not hear what I was saying. I hope to never meet another soul who holds my truth as their own but if I do that will be the day I no longer feel alone.

This piece is written from a place of hopelessness in the attempt to show honesty in the face of the uncomfortable. A performative yet truthful expression.

How do you comprehend the idea that you haven’t found true peace and happiness yet. It almost discredits the fleeting moments within which you find joy. What are you supposed to do to achieve true happiness when you know the steps but cannot complete them. How does one accept this and not simultaneously develop a doomsday outlook on life. Do you feed into these moments of joy knowing they are not to be lasting or do you accept your place within this world as lackluster and incomplete. Medication, therapy, small breakthroughs, routines, and positive thinking. All of this to sit in a place of contentment within numbness. A feeling of everything but nothing all at once which is covered in a smile and glimmer of hope in ones eyes that comes from a false origin. All to be summarized and encapsulated in a single word. depression. 

Your mind drifts as you fall asleep, but sometimes it drifts too far. Sometimes we slip into our deep dark fears and insecurities, and we see a life lived within them. We call them nightmares and write them off as pure imagination, but what if this isn’t the case. What if these nightmares are lives we are damned to live if we continued down a certain path? What if these nightmares are obscure concepts derived from our recent wrong doings as punishment? What if we have been looking at this all wrong and missing out on details of lessons and paths to redemption for our wrongdoings because they are just “silly little dreams” that we forget about because they hold no chance of growth and light? But I’m sure this is not the case and they are all just dreams. Right? 

I would like to welcome any and all readers to my first blog ever! These blogs are going to be a miscellaneous roller coaster ride of thoughts, experiences, short stories, and anything else I feel would be worth publishing. I have always loved writing and have an imagination that runs wild. I can’t wait to share all of these writings with you all, and I hope you find them enjoyable!